Call Me So We Can Talk About Trading Suits

Hey President Obama. We are about the same height and weight -- you're 6'1.5", 180 pounds, I'm 6'1, 170. So I was thinking maybe we could talk about trading suits!

I'm sure you know how hard it is to find suits that fit when you are tall and slender. If they fit at the shoulders, they are too long. If they are the right length, the shoulders are too wide.

Basically, unless you can afford a tailor, you have a choice of looking like Wes Anderson, or a NFL player who just went off steroids.

I really only have one suit that fits me that great -- this tan one I bought at Goodwill and had tailored. Frankly, I think people are starting to catch on. And I'm worried the same thing might be happening to you!

Appearing on Letterman: Dark Suit.

Hoisting the Stanley Cup: Dark Suit.

Meeting the Prime Minister of Canada: Dark Suit. (Seriously, man, it's Canada, a hoodie will suffice).

I could use a switch from tan to dark, you could use one from dark to tan. We're both about the same size. Seems like a perfect match to me. Let's chat about it when you call.

Call Me and I Will Tell You Interesting Facts About Certain Chicago White Sox

Hey President Obama. I know you are a big White Sox fan; actually, that was one of the things that drew me to your candidacy. Because Hillary Clinton was all like, oh, I'm a Yankees fan, but also I root for the Cubs. And Rudy Giuliani, who's also a Yankees fan, said he'd root for the RED SOX in the World Series. I'm sorry but what does that portend? A Yankee fan who'd root for the Red Sox is a U.S. President who'd root for the Taliban.

Whereas you not only proclaimed your love for the White Sox, you called out Cubs fans! You said: "You go to Wrigley Field, you have a beer, beautiful people up there. People aren't watching the game. It's not serious. White Sox, that's baseball." Awesome.

Anyway, as a big White Sox fan, you probably are interested in some of the players. I can tell you stuff you probably don't know about them! Not all of them, but definitely the ones who used to play for the Mariners. (I'm a HUGE Mariners fan).

Like, Freddy Garcia. Did you know that when he played for the Mariners, practically every time I'd come back to visit someone I knew would tell me they saw him in a club? Freddy liked to party...probably still does!

Or Scott Podsednik. His first major league hit was a triple! On ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball! Sweet way to start of your career, huh?

Also! Paul Konerko! Did you know that he started his career as a catcher? True fact! I saw one of his first professional games, in 1994, as a member of the Yakima (Wa.) Bears of the Northwest League. He was right out of high school and so was I, but while my summer job was going door-to-door asking people for money for WashPIRG, he was playing catcher for a minor league baseball team.

I could probably come up with some other interesting stuff if you called.

Call Me and We'll Talk About Buying a Bar With that Nobel Prize $$

Wow! Nobel Peace Prize! Way to go, President Obama! You not only get to go down in history as a great humanitarian (although Kissinger also won, so that takes the shine off a bit) but you get more than $1 million. To spend however you like!

I guess after taxes it's only going to be around a few-hundred-thousand (unless you can write off your campaign flights and stuff somehow?) but still, that's some nice cash to have lying around. A request: How about holding on to the money until you call me on my birthday! Because I have a pretty great idea about how you could spend it.

How about buying a bar? The oldest-continually operating bar on the West Coast, Merchants' Cafe, is for sale here in Seattle. Only $300K! You could totally swing it.



Probably some people would be all "what the hell, dude, you can't spend peace prize money on a bar." Those people are nuts. Alcohol promotes peace. Did you ever read about the Christmas Truce during WWI, when the German and British soldiers met in No Man's Land and played soccer? Yeah, those guys were eight kinds of drunk, there's no other way to explain why they would get out of their trenches and march toward the enemy while singing Christmas Carols. First of all, no one can sing Christmas Carols sober anyway, let alone with machine guns trained on them.

Anyway -- I'm not saying that you're gonna win another peace prize for buying the bar, but it's not the disaster people might make it out to be. It would be pretty sweet; you'd get tons of people coming in to the place because you are so popular; and you don't have to even be there when they do, look how well Michael Jordan's Steakhouse has done.

When you're done being president maybe you could spend more time there. And when Malia and Sasha need summer jobs during college, they could wash dishes and stuff.

I don't really see a downside, but maybe we could talk about it more when you call me. I'm sure the place will still be available, since nobody's buying crap in this economy (no offense!).

Call Me Because We Have One Degree of Conversation Separation

Mr. President, did you know that we have both spoken to the same person? It's true! Once I interviewed Craig Robinson. I'm speaking of Craig Robinson the brother of your wife Michelle and head coach of the Oregon State basketball team, not Craig Robinson the guy who plays Darryl on The Office.

I call that one degree of conversation separation, and I think we have it because I'm going to assume that you've talked to Craig Robinson as well -- at least in passing at the wedding or something.

He's a really nice guy to talk to, don't you agree? I talked to him mostly about basketball, because the interview was for a sports magazine. He told me that when he teaches his Princeton-style basketball offense, he "sets it up like calculus." I still don't understand what he meant -- maybe you can explain it to me during the birthday call?

I also once interviewed Christine Gregoire, the governor of Washington. You've talked to her, I have photographic proof! (At right.) Okay, I guess that doesn't prove that you talked to her, since you are just shaking her hand in the photo. But I'll bet you said something when you shook her hand, like "that's a rad blouse, are those circly things flowers?" or "is that Larry Craig standing behind me? Sure looks like him. Watch his hands for me, kay?"

If you want, maybe you or one of your schedule minions could call Craig or Christine and be like "hey, is talking to Seth cool?" I'm just trying to make this whole birthday call decision easy on you, you don't have to do it or anything.

Call Me Mr. President: Launch!

Yesterday I put out an open request on Facebook for President Obama to call me on my birthday. Even though I'm not friends with him (despite my repeated pokes), I knew he'd get the message because the U.S. Government has thousands of analysts scouring the interwebs every day. It's true, I saw it on Numb3ers.

But he never called. And it dawned on me that perhaps he has a pretty tight schedule, and changing it day-of, even for a five minute phone call, might be difficult. Obviously I need to make my request much, much earlier. Like 364 days in advance. Which is what I have done. I sent this email out to president@whitehouse.gov a few minutes ago. (Subj line: Birthday call).

Dear Mr. President,

I will turn 34 on October 6, 2010. I would really like it if you would call me.

If you are looking for a few reasons why you should bother, I'm going to be posting on my blog Call Me On My Birthday, Mr. President, which you can access at callmeonmybirthdaymrpresident.blogspot.com.

Thank you for your time and good luck with the whole health care deal.

Sincerely,

Seth Kolloen
(Citizen of U.S.)

So we'll see. As I said, I will be posting reasons for the President to call me on this here blog over the next 364 days; hopefully he or his schedule minions will be impressed.